Even in the storms I'll follow you.

 

E (10), B(14), M(5), J(9), HJ(13), N(9), D(14)  

07/10/15

1st Overnight Visit

This past weekend we had our first overnight visit with J & M our (soon to be placed) pre-adoptive foster children.  Our new children.  Our new babies.  I did not give birth to them, but I think of them as mine already anyway.  My only thoughts this whole weekend was what THEY needed next.  What we as a family needed next.  What is the next thing that needs to be done?  It was completely overwhelming and THE hardest weekend of my life to date.  It was also so good too.

The first night, Friday night, they were happy, excited, wild.  Pushing the limits, seeing how far they could go before I stepped in.  Testing me to see if I mean what I say.  (I do.)  Bedtime was pretty rough.  We got home just in time to start bedtime routine.  That went okay, the routine itself...but neither of them were ready to go to sleep when it was time.  M was nothing short of a hot mess.  She is sharing a room with B & HJ.  I was up and down the stairs many times.  I think she finally fell into exhausted slumber around 1am.  David and I had decided to sleep on the couches that first night so we would hear if anything were amiss.  (Our bedroom is like a fort.  I often don't even hear it storming outside much less hear any of the kids making noise.) 

I was so tired.  My day had been so stressful leading up to the 5 hour drive to Anderson to get them.  (Did you know that I-69 is a parking lot on the north side during rush hour?  I knew it, forgot it, didn't anticipate it. Oy.)  The drive was chaotic.  The excitement, the stress.  The drive home was long.  They are not used to riding in the car so long.  As I laid on the couch and tried to close my eyes for the hundredth time the anxiety started to rise up.  Doubt started to creep in.  I had to sit up and get a drink, breathe deep and will the anxiety away.  I started singing a song in my head to help me refocus.  It is a song that some of my Selah Sisters and I used to sing all the time in college...in a round.  (I can hear you laughing)  I just kept singing it over and over in my mind.

Father, I adore You
I Lay my life before You
How I love You

Jesus, I adore You
I Lay my life before You
How I love You

Spirit, I adore You
I Lay my life before You
How I love You

The anxiety would ebb and I felt better but I still could not sleep knowing he wasn't asleep. 

At 1am I knew that J was still awake.  He was playing quietly with toys on the floor in his room.  I decided that no amount of talking was going to 'make' him go to bed until he was ready...so I just let him play.  He was happy, he was not being willfully disobedient...he just wasn't ready to get into that bed.  His exact words (at 4am!) were..."but my eyes just are not sleepy yet."  He was so sincere.  He was surrounded by a whole Lego diorama he had built on ever side of him.  (LOL)  I said okay.  I listened and it finally got quiet between 4:15 and 4:30.  I finally fell asleep for a little while after that. 

At 6am a dump truck rumbled down the road past our house so loudly it rattled me awake.  I sat up and all I heard was silence.  I crept over to his bedroom door and to my surprise ALL the toys were picked up, put away in the correct places. (!)  The floor was as clean as a whistle...and a certain little boy was in his bed...with the covers pulled all the way up to his chin.  He looked absolutely angelic.  I stood there with my mouth agape for a bit...then pulled his door shut and went back to the couch.

Psalm 30:5b
"weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning."

All I could think was how YES LORD, your joy comes in the morning.  Thank you.  Praise you Lord Jesus.  Yes.  You are good.  Your love endures forever.  This is the work you have given my hands for this season and (Lord, help me) I want to do it, and do it well. 

Then David stirred on the other couch.  I looked at him and said "He is finally asleep, if you do anything to wake him, I will hurt you."  LOL  David is not known for his ability to be stealthy.  :D  

Our day moved on from there...it was chaotic.  I shed some tears.  I struggled with doubt still.  But I just kept thinking of that quiet moment at 6am when I saw God's word in vivid living color.  In a little boy.  Who desperately needs to call me Momma.  

I believe and I will follow you. 

This is the new song we sang in worship this weekend.  I do not believe in coincidences.   (click the song title to listen to it.)

JON GUERRA lyrics : "I Will Follow"

When the sea is calm and all is right
When I feel Your favor flood my life
Even in the good, I'll follow You
Even in the good, I'll follow You

When the boat is tossed upon the waves
When I wonder if You'll keep me safe
Even in the storms, I'll follow You
Even in the storms, I'll follow You

I believe everything that You say You are
I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow You
I believe and I will follow You

When I see the wicked prospering
When I feel I have no voice to sing
Even in the want, I'll follow You
Even in the want, I'll follow You

I believe everything that You say You are
I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow You
I believe and I will follow You

When I find myself so far from home
And You lead me somewhere that I don't wanna go
Even in my death, I'll follow You
Even in my death, I'll follow You

When I come to end this race I've run
And I receive the prize that Christ has won
I will be with You in Paradise
I will be with You in Paradise

I believe everything that You say You are
I believe that I have seen Your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow You
I believe and I will follow You